How I Lost the Election

About two months ago I declared my candidacy for President of the United States of America and the mainstream media did not notice.

Surprised? 

Well, apparently most people were. I thought I could be the solution. If I offered myself as a write-in candidate, then voters on both sides of the voting booth could have a choice to select which they did not loath. After all, I'm a pretty nice guy most of the time. As proof of that, I regularly post bunnies on Facebook. Those who knew me through social media would attest to my good-naturedness, my clever repartee, and my wholesome disposition. I even had some kind of a platform, which I outlined in a previous blog post. I also had an animal logo that would stand alongside the donkey and the elephant. 

Then the harsh reality set in. First, I learned that not even my own state allowed write-in votes. Other states had similar rules. Right then I knew I could not win but I still hoped to gain some support so I could make a valid run next time. I thought my platform was good, too. Nobody complained. I got several comments of support and none asking questions about details. I knew I would work out the details later, anyway, when I hired top people to think through all the problems and how to solve them. That's how it works; I learned that from the TV show WKRP in Cincinnati.

There were no scandals in my campaign, either. Having no staff and no press corps, I could have done anything, yet I continued my happy-go-lucky, carefree campaign almost exclusively through social media. Wikileaks does not even know my name, it seems. I accepted no donations from big donors; in fact, I had zero donations so I was forced to self-fund. I took out almost seventy-nine dollars from the bank and spent it on coffee and ice cream and hamburgers to keep the campaign going. I gave no speeches and had no rallies. I made no banners or yard signs. I was asked for no interviews and gave no statements to any election board. I did not even make a major magazine cover.

All right, I know I was naive, too innocent for politics, and I started too late in the cycle. Then I kept to myself and just hoped everything would come together and then I would be coronated by the masses. I would awaken on November 9 and be as surprised as everyone else that a simple lad born and raised in Missouri who had so many qualifications [sic] would be invited to direct the activities of a mighty nation. I could do it, too; I would willingly put aside my fiction writing business for a few years. And yet, it didn't happen. Instead, it seems everyone still voted for one of the two they didn't hate--when they could have voted for me. 

Now all there is is gridlock. Half the voters are pleased and half protest. Some cry out that it was all unfair, they didn't get their way. Some shout how they suffered during the past eight years so now others can suffer. Many think the world is about to end while others see the world being saved--both of them, of course, electing only a president, the leader of one of around 182 nations on this planet. Granted, it's a big-talking nation with wide reach and a bottomless belly, but hey...I could've done it. I would be a unifier. I would have brought people together, all the cat folks and all the dog folks. After all, that is what I did on Facebook. And, as we all know, what happens on Facebook...well, let's leave it at that. No reason to express an opinion that would only incite a response from...well, someone...anyone...please?

I hope for better luck next time. Can I count on your vote?

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(C) Copyright 2010-2016 by Stephen M. Swartz. All Rights Reserved. No part of this blog, whether text or image, may be used without me giving you written permission, except for brief excerpts that are accompanied by a link to this entire blog. Violators shall be written into novels as characters who are killed off. Serious violators shall be identified and dealt with according to the laws of the United States of America.

Vote for Me!

Last week, I had planned a blog inviting everyone to write in my name for the presidential election, considering how many people disliked the choices available. However, the day before I was going to post such a blog, I learned that in my own state (Oklahoma) write-in votes are not allowed. Doing so will invalidate your ballot. So, naturally, I fell into a depression, unable to begin packing for a move to the capital. I felt thwarted at every turn--or at least the first turn.

So now I begin my campaign for the next election! I shall be the Bunny Party's candidate for something sometime somewhere! Our slogan is "Treats and Naps for Everyone!"

I'm not sure what my platform will be but it will definitely be made of wood--good ol' American timber, in fact. I can elucidate on a few qualifications I have.

First of all, I was born in the U.S. of A. and both of my parents were, too. I'm also, sadly, over the age of 35.

I've always paid taxes--going back to my first job at Taco Bell. I've never deleted any emails, either, not since the internet began. I've always spoken well of other people (or, if necessary, said nothing at all to be polite) and seldom even go into locker rooms. 

Babies are not scared of me. I like animals but am not so good at caring for them. Animals seem to like me, especially bunnies. I have friends in other countries. I have visited many countries and lived overseas, thus enhancing my empathy and understanding of cultures different from the one I grew up in. 

As for economic matters, I like for everyone to have money. As much as they want. But only spend it on stuff you really need, with the occasional frivolous item to help maintain a happy disposition. 

Socially, I like to believe in the naive notion that everyone will get along by being generally kind to each other and not forcing their beliefs onto others. There is pleasure in having access to a diversity of everything, but like my primary belief, I like for things to just happen on their own without laws being made to force things to happen.

Practicing for a Presidential Portrait

For example, as a student of literature, I learned how to analyze a story or novel or poem from several different views (call them lenses), and that would seem to train me to be diplomatic. Arguing about what a poem actually means, even if my interpretation should differ from the meaning stated by the poet, is very good preparation for government work.

Speaking of government work, I did spend a few years as a lowly seasonal clerk at an IRS service center--and I kept their secrets, like how much certain well-known people were paying. I was in the National Guard, too, for a few years in my youth, so there's my military service. I also kept their secrets. 

As a writer of fiction, especially science fiction, I understand and would promote the sciences. I would like to see certain sci-fi films come to be true. Besides, we need a Mars colony for the riffraff of Washington, D.C., don't we? Also, through reading and writing science fiction, I have leaned to envision goals and plan how to achieve them--like any good writer does, of course. The difference is that for science fiction, a writer must imagine what does not yet exist and operate in a sphere of abstractions. Again, good training for politics.

My only serious shortcoming is I tend to get nervous speaking to large crowds, but I can write a decent speech and read it off a teleprompter. I had a television production class in college. I like to sleep late, too, but I will wake up for the 3 a.m. phone call and not just hang up cursing. If it's not an emergency, I'll call or text you back later.

Mostly I just want everyone to get along, treat each other kindly, work together for a common good, and remember that words, although they may hurt, are just words. Actions are, unfortunately, still actions. I would wish everything to run smoothly so I would not be bothered by problems. However, I would stand ready to hire top people to deal with those problems!

Ultimately, any wholesale change of administration is of greater concern and impact to an entire society than are the personal vagaries of any individual who seeks that position. For most of us, I suspect not much is likely to change in our daily lives, no matter who takes the reins of this horse. So it's still up to each of us, the smallfolk, to get along and make our own communities the way we want them to be, and leave the kings and kingslayers to play their chess games as far away from Main Street as possible. Thank you very much.

Don't forget to give your bunny a treat!

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(C) Copyright 2010-2016 by Stephen M. Swartz. All Rights Reserved. No part of this blog, whether text or image, may be used without me giving you written permission, except for brief excerpts that are accompanied by a link to this entire blog. Violators shall be written into novels as characters who are killed off. Serious violators shall be identified and dealt with according to the laws of the United States of America.